agent
if one means to take
yet instead one gives
sometimes one feels raped
yet one endures to live
who controls who
u
?
we both know
that that
that THAT
was never true
i will tell you one truth.
i miss it.
what I had. it’s parts.
i’ve learned.
people don’t like truth.
they like pieces.
dipped in chocolate.
covered in nuts.
candy coated.
truth serves no one.
not my business.
so this?
this is not the truth.
this is real.
earned.
mine.
watcher
the chair was at the back of his apartment. way in the corner. last time we were on his couch. i remember thinking it was a nice couch. i had just moved into a newer bigger place myself, so i was thinking about couches and corners and chairs. but this time he said his roommate wasn’t home. and he took me to the bedroom.
continue >
so. there’s a giant sofa and a large empty bed. but he wants me to sit in this awkwardly positioned chair way in the corner. next to a lamp…
i didn’t look for the camera right away. instead i thought i’d just feel it out, see if i had some kind of sixth sense. if i could divine it’s location by intuition, perhaps. silly, really. but you never know what might reveal itself if you feel your way through a situation. instead of thinking about it. rationally.
i took off my work boots. started untying the draw string to my thin loose sweat pants. i went commando that night. it was that awkward time in spring when you’re not always prepared for the sudden heat. i had just showered at the love’s at the border on 76W coming back from jersey. i thought about putting jeans on, but i wanted a little bit of flop in my pants that night. in case any of the other truck drivers were watching on the walk back to my tractor.
none were. so i had the urge that night. getting off at 3am. and i remembered the guy a few miles away from earlier that year. that one guy with poppers that quietly blew me on his couch. as his room mate slept.
the return is always interesting. it’s not anonymous anymore. by then you at least have a name and number. found their social media. you already know what to expect. for the most part.
but there’s also the time in between this visit and the first visit. where he bragged about you to his friends. or his room mate may have turned out to be his partner and discovered your illicit messages. or maybe he heard some shit about you that he wasn’t happy about, and needed to get his point across. or he fell in love with you and silently watched you for months, longing for your tap. finally receiving it.
the return could go all sorts of ways, depending. as usual, i assumed he probably heard something about me, and had planned it as retaliation. or perhaps his friends wanted evidence of the hot trucker he had served that cold winter while his room mate slept. or he just wanted another video for his collection. who knows.
i knew everything i needed to know. this wasn’t going to be a hookup.
it would be a performance.
